I can't remember!

What a relief!

I can’t remember the last time

I had to get up in the morning,

shower, get dressed, put make up on and have breakfast

in less than 20 minutes.

I can’t remember the last time

I left the house the dark,

spent 10 hours in the office,

sitting, typing, immobile,

just to leave 10 hours later,

again in the dark.

I can’t remember the last time

I was so stressed and under pressure

that I could not sleep

that I tossed and turned and made myself

sick with worry about a presentation? A report? A deadline?

 

I still cannot make sense

of flying for 12 hours

to amazingly exotic faraway destinations

to deliver a training session of 5 hours

and then turn around and start the long journey back home.

Why? What for?

I can’t remember doing it for the money

or even the career,

Although I loved the praise and the recognition,

I don’t believe I had to do it so busily, so intensively and so robotically.

I can’t remember having pajama Sundays

or lazy days when the snow was tick on the ground

and the children would have loved the break.

I can’t remember reading their school report

 and saying words of encouragement or praising their effort.

I was tough and led by example. 

I can’t change the past

but if I had to do it all again I would like to try and have more fun.

Even in the busiest times

I would do more of the simple things

The walks, the reading, the baking and the laughing.

I would have liked to spend more time just being,

doing more listening an less talking,

more feeling and less fixing,

more present and less future.

I must remember to tell my family

about the new me.

No, not the new me – for I am older not newer!

But I am certainly wiser.

At least all these years are worth something,

What a relief!